Sep 11, 2008

A Day Begins

Sarah looked out the window, watching cars pass by. They slowed down as they approached a bump. Then they sped up again; sped away.

The day had passed from gloomy to sunny. She liked gloomy better, but knew not why. Come to think of it, she thought, she had always liked rain better than sunshine.

One of the symptoms of melancholia, so it seems. Untreatable, maybe. But certainly she was not one who will delight in it. There was another part of her that was a relentless optimist. And sunshine is its prime symbol.

As she pulled herself away from her gazing (she had other things to do), she recalled last night. It was a very boring one. Yet she still wanted it to continue.

Today was a day she did not want to dwell in. Yet it’s not like you can stop it. She fatalistically resigned. Yes, there was nothing you can do.

“Maybe…” Sarah whispered. Why did she say it? She did not herself know; maybe ”maybe” sounded nice. Perhaps it was suitable. Something made her say it.

What did? She did not know. Maybe she said it because it sounded nice. If so, then “niceness” made her say it. How dare it force her! She chuckled. I’ve got things to do.

What things? Homework. Lovely. Really. She sat down. Oh wait, I need to get my books. She got up, and took them. Then she sat down again.

Two hours later, Sarah was eating her lunch. She did not like lunch, yet she did not want it to end. No, the day must not continue. But continue it did.

Afternoon. The sun showed no remorse. She was untouchable, however. Sitting safely in her room. With the aircond. And the fan. No that’s cheating. Face the fact.

She got out of her house. She had to breathe. To calm down. The sun wasn’t nice. But she wished it would shine all day. Enough with wishing. It’s evening. I’ve got to take a bath.

What’s with bathing? She relished it. Run down the clock, run down the day. Yep. Waste your time on the conditioner. Yes, and where’s that useless apricot scrub? There it is. Lovely.

Time to go. Not for me. Mum says so. I got to go. Darn. Get out, get dressed. Who cares about what dress? No…this one is too fluffy. No, too tacky. Who gave this abomination to me? Did I buy it?

Time to go. Urgency forces Sarah’s choice. She puts on a dress, and she’s ready to go. No time to think about it. She must be ready.

Here we are! Have fun, and good luck! Mum says. I wish. Sarah stepped into the hall. She found brief solace in her friends, cheering her on. No, their cheers were useless. It was all up to her.

Onto the podium. In front of the people. Then, Sarah smiles. Yes, she’s a lovely woman. It would be a sin not to forgive her. But wait, there’s no need. She is wonderful. Excellent!

Sarah gets off the podium. They’re clapping. She beams not because of the claps. I’ve done well, Sarah thought. The day ends. It is inevitable.

Aug 27, 2008

The Wannabe Wanderer

It was a hot sunny day on this serene fishing village, the peaceful sound of the breaking waves makes this place almost the perfect break away. The fisherman can be seen haggling their catches with middleman.

A Harley Davidson roars upsetting the village norm, blowing the dry leaves as it cruises along the nearly quiet road. The rider, Amir felt pleased his discovery, he deliberately took the less taken route, something that he unlikely would do a week ago.

Amir stopped at a small beach, his body felt sore after riding for the past few hours. He sat on a fallen palm trunk, looking on the soon to set sun. It makes him thinking, what did he wants in life? What have he achieved?

A week earlier, Amir was just another guy in the working society, works have gotten the better of him, he felt lost, and he felt stressed. The everyday maxim of “live the life you want to live” is too tempting, and so in moment of impulse, he quits his job, bought himself a Harley Roadster, and to cut the story short, reached where he is now. He was living the dream, he was the uber cool rider.

His drifting mind was interrupted by the biting bugs. He scrubs off the bugs and the annoying thoughts. A rider won't be disheartened by this trivial bother. The sun is setting down, its crimson view is good enough for any landscape photo. Amir arose, he took another view along the beach before looking back to the sunset.

He shouts out loud,



“THIS IS SO DAMN BORING~!”




Aug 6, 2008

No Life Redemption

Jimmy open his thermos, pour out some ginseng tea. He looked at the bed beside while taking a sip or two. It’s empty, just three days earlier he was chatting with a nice chap who occupied the bed.

“It was regrettable you left before me, you’re such a good company. Perhaps we can continue at another place,” thought Jimmy.

“Well, we’re gonna leave eventually my friend, it come down to how you live your life. Take out your little regrets before you go and you will be at peace,” Jimmy recalling the chap stating.

“Regrets? Little is an understatement,” Jimmy laugh. He misses the chap, then he noticed someone standing alongside him.

“Hi there buddy!”

Jimmy was surprised, it was someone he didn’t expect, and somebody that he was very familiar in the past. Standing before him is Linn.

“Well hello there stranger,” Jimmy beamed like the morning sun illuminating the sky. It's a very pleasant surprise for him.

“How did you find me?”

“Oh, how hard would it be? It's stupid to post something in the blog if you don't want people to know.”

“You forget that I have a PHD in stupidity didn't ya?” Jimmy laugh, he didn't expect Linn to read his blog after their last encounter.

A month ago, Jimmy’s health was deteriorating, a full checkup disclosed he have a tumor in his brain, which he avidly posted in his blog.

-------------

I went to the specialist to determine what’s really wrong with me today. I was thinking, ‘it’d better be cancer or something equivalently malignant because it is insanely pricey for a non-diagnostic.

My hallucinations are getting more frequent, even in the medical specialist office. The nurse was strip dancing for me. You might think it was kinky, but the problem is, it was a male nurse.

I was so traumatized by my own delusion that the only few word that I can comprehend from the specialist was ‘hello…… not good sign…. Tumour…. Brain ….’

Well, people always says be careful what you wish for.

I'm not looking forward for any treatment.

-----------------

“How are you feeling now?” Linn asked, but realized that's a stupid question.

“Me? Oh, I could look better, but I don’t want those pretty nurses to be swarming over me. Yeah I AM that fine-looking aren’t I?”

“But sometimes, I do that, just to get me some extra dessert. I think I'm popular with them,” Jimmy continued.

“Yeah right,’ Linn laughed. ‘You didn’t really change did you?”

“You have to keep your personality girl.”

Linn hold his hand. “I mean really, how are you? Why don’t you accept treatment?”

“I think I’ve live long enough. Karma, remember?”

Jimmy carried on, “I’m ok with these, I have passed on the acceptance for this. I don’t want all these painful stuff. Life is already a pain itself. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here if I haven’t collapse in the public few days ago.”

Linn sighed, the moment of silence between them is deafening.

‘Where’s Pat?’ she asked, breaking the ice.

‘I didn’t tell her, and I don’t really want her to be sad over me anymore.’

‘She takes the breakup pretty bad you know,’ Jimmy explained.

The silence returned. Linn sat there quietly, lost for what to say next.

“Well, don’t make this visit all about me, it’s been more than a year since I last saw you. You sure appear more corporate lady than you used to!” Jimmy poked fun at Lin.

“Is that a compliment or are you being sarcastic again?” Linn laugh, at the same time, tears started to flow down her eyes.

Jimmy’s laughter disappears, with a serious smile, he said, “I miss you, you know, every single day!”

“You're lying again. Why you never call me after you canceled your wedding?”

“I… I just couldn’t drag you into my turmoil. You’re doing so well in life. You’d never really wanted anything to do with me anyway.”

“You idiot, whatever happened to your best buddy promise?”

“Cause it hurts too much to be there yet so far, I don’t want to go through these again."

Jimmy continues, "Lin, knowing you was fate, loving you was something I have no control over it. Missing you is the burden that I choose.”

“Well, missing your voice means that I'm a cheapskate who didn't pays the phone bill.” Jimmy joked again.

“You do this all of the time, you never take things seriously,” Linn cried. “So you are leaving me alone now?”

“I know I should have come earlier, bad thing will pass, I’m here now, and I won’t leave you. Please, please don’t give up. We can work through this together. Please Jimmy, please.” Linn begged.

Jimmy picked up his phone, he pressed something, and Linn’s phone rang. It's an incoming message.

The message read:

------

Will you love me? Maybe not today, but perhaps sometime in the future? And I do mean love, not just a good companion or buddy. Please? I'm waiting here, waiting to continue my life differently.

---------

“I intend to send this to you. Yet somehow, it was never send out from my phone,” Jimmy said. “Thanks for giving me the strength to finally do it. To finally said I love you.”

Jimmy breathe hard, a sharp pain was unbearable in his head.

“I love you Linn, I love you so much!” Jimmy struggled.

Jimmy looks up, the visitor chair is empty, there was no one there.

“Sigh, I was hallucinating again,” Jimmy said smiled softly. “Perhaps they're my punishment.”

Jimmy slowly closes his eyes… and never to open again.

Aug 4, 2008

love lost

Do you love me?

The words he dreaded to hear came out from her cherry rose lips. Tinted with gloss, sparkly in the mid day sun. He took her by the waist and brought her closer to him. So close that she could feel his heart beat against hers.

Do you love me?

She asked again. He looked into her hazel brown eyes, only to see his own reflection in them. The words wouldn't come to him as he struggle not to turn away, not to deceive her. She, in turn, started to wriggle and free herself from his arms.

You knew. You knew from the beginning the answer to that.

He felt his mouth tighten. His tongue wanted to scream that she was the only one for him. Strangely enough, he froze at the one moment when his courage was summoned on that windy sunday afternoon as they stood underneath the apple tree where they first met.

Do you still remember the promise you made to me a year ago as we stood at this very same spot on this very same day?

Yes, it was as though it was only yesterday when they first met. Coincidental but it was like destiny at work. Just like every other day, he took the same route to work, passing by the apple tree that never bore any fruit for as long as he could remember. That summer, the first rain of the season brought with it a renewed hope.

Why did you promise what you didn't intend to keep?

He remembered on that sunny lazy afternoon, as he strolled by the same path but only that time, she was standing there, weeping by the apple tree. Her soft brown hair falling in down her bare back as the wind played with it. Her dress was a shade of pink, just like her cheeks. It was the first time he saw her there. The first time his heart skipped a beat. The first time he felt life had something to offer. The first time he felt in love.

Did you forget everything that happened between us?

When she turned back to see him there by his bike, the tears were flowing freely like a stream down her freckled cheeks. He took small steps towards her, unknowing of what to do. Should he say hello and ask her what's wrong? Or perhaps he should console her without asking too much. Before he could ponder on his course of action, her arms flung around him and she cried against his chest.

Open your eyes. Just say goodbye.

The beginning of something beautiful, their lives intertwined and the ups and downs came fast and swift. Yet, the longer they spent sharing their lives, the worse his memory became. So much that it was becoming a chore to remember daily menial tasks as his illness took a turn for worse. At times, he woke up to find himself by her without knowing how it happened. It wasn't long until his memories of her began to fade away. Yet, the one memory that never left was of that lazy afternoon underneath the apple tree.

I'm sorry.

He turned and walked away.

I love you.

He whispered.

Jul 20, 2008

departure.

July, 29th 07

She looked at me with a thin line of water streaming down her light pink cheeks. Gently and carefully, i placed my hand onto her hand. she pushed my hand away but she locked her eyes on me. "Sorry," i whispered "There is nothing much i can do. This is all i could give, my heart." Slowly, she moved her head, staring at the blank white wall with heavy sobs. I know this is hard for her. She might not know, this is even harder for me. My heart is not only aching but it is tearing apart.

I stood up and walk headed towards the door. "Please, don't leave me here, alone," she pleaded as i was about to reach the door. I could not take it no more. I walked out speechless, trying hard to sustain myself from crying. Walking down the streets with crowds of people. I see them smiling happily. So carefree. I wanted to be like them. Smiling and forgetting all my sadness.

I passed by the "place". Yes, the place. The place that stole my happiness. The place where it all started. Maybe because i am soft hearted that I let her in so easily. How could I? I knew that this would happen. Why am I so silly? I not only broke her heart but I shattered my heart. The pain. This is not going to happen to me. I am not going to cry. I cannot cry. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and everything became black.

The next day I woke up, I saw her face. She is the prettiest girl on earth. How I wish I could tell her how i feel all along. Oh, her smile. Brighter than the sunshine. No! I looked away. Her soft fair hand stroke my face. Please, stop it. Don't do it. I can't bear to leave you. "I am tired. Please leave me alone." She walked away with heavy steps. Each and every step she made, my heart crushed and shattered even more. The pain is excruciating.

July, 30th 07

There is a group of people here. A mixture of doctors and nurses. I wonder what is going to happen. She haven't been visiting me since that day. The day I told her away. Somehow, today seemed to be harder for me to breath. I asked the doctor but he told me i would be fine. I wonder.

August, 1st 07

Baby, I love you so much. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, growing old together. You are my angel, you are my guardian. You gave me the fullest support when I am in doubt. You gave me light when I am in darkness. You fill my life. I am sorry that I have to leave you so early. I am sorry that I did not told you I have brain tumor. I never knew that I would fall in love. Please, remember that I always love you and I will watch you from up above.


Never ending love from,
Yours truly.

--------------------------------------------------

She flipped to the last page of his dairy and she looked up the sky. Gazing the sky softly and gently, she smiled as if he were still there. "It has been 3o years now, my dear and I am living my life to the fullest for you."